REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 20 - 5 days

Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 8 days

Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 9 days

Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 10 days

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age just looks tired.
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A young boy called the minister of a local corner church to ask him to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The minister knew the family and was very much aware that they had been attending another church down the road. So the minister asked the boy, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom instead of me?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that mom has."
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At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Yeah," declared the man, "that's what I like best about it."
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He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can.
You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J.B. Jones, M.D.

P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?
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Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
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"Dear Guest," it began. "Due to the popularity of our guest room amenities, our houskeeping department now offers these items for sale:

Pillows, bath towels, hand towels, face cloths and bath mats." All overpriced, in an ingenious ploy. You see, if you want to buy these excellent and amazingly popular items, simply take them from your room.

Your guest room attendant will note what you took and charge you the appropriate price. How smart they are.

Ironic, they didn't charge for the sign.
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It's finally here, I've reached the metallic age in my life, Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth and Lead in my ass.
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Jacob was an uneducated but hard-working immigrant who wanted a better future for his only son, David. He scrimped and saved for David's school education. In return, David worked hard and got accepted at a small school far from home. Every month, David received a check from his father for his living expenses and every month, the check was attached to a piece of paper with the letters 'FUF' written on it.

It regularly puzzled David, but he cashed the checks anyway and went about his studies.
Finally Passover came and David was able to travel home. As he sat with his father after the Seder, David said, "Dad, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I really couldn't get by without the check you send me every month. But I must ask, what does it mean when you write 'FUF'?"

His father replied, "Oy, some scholar you're not. 'FUF' means 'From U Fadder'
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My lawyer asked me to pay him in cash. I gave him a check.

He said, "I asked you to pay me in cash."

Acting innocent, I said, "A check is cash."

"No," he replied. "Cash is green."

"My goodness, are you trying to defraud me?" I asked.

"No," he answered. "I'm trying to defraud the IRS."
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A British hotel chain is offering couples called Mary and Joseph a free night's stay over Christmas.

"We are trying to make up for the hotel industry not having any rooms left on Christmas Eve
2004 years ago," said Sandi Clack, manager of the hotel in London.

"Our hotel is definitely more comfortable than a stable. I just hope they don't bring their donkey," he said.
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As a tour operator, I often use local guides for folk-art and culture excursions to Ukraine. They know there are certain photographs that almost everybody in the group wants -- such as stork nests on poles, geese and ducks, poppies in wheat fields, and sunflower fields.

I reminded our group leader on one trip I accompanied that we wanted a shot of a sunflower field. He suggested we wait until there was one on our side of the highway so we didn’t have to cross the busy road. When we finally pulled over, I complained that the sunflowers were all turned away from us towards the setting sun. Our guide shook his head. "There’s just no satisfying some tourists."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

 

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