TODAY'S JOKES 12-16-02
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REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 6 Days

Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 8 Days

Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 9 days

New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 15 days
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JOKES:
..........
51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof.
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.
There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

(Contributed by, Chuck's Daily Reader, Herb Ehlers)
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Subject: Fw: The Wife

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

(Contributed by, Chuck's Daily Reader, John Gross)
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To all the women out there:


Let's say a guy asks you out. Stop and think about your comparative economic situations. The odds are, he makes more money than you do.
Guys don't generally date "up", and even if professionally you're at the same level, he's getting paid more money for doing the exact same job. So he can afford to pay for you.
(Frankly, if you're hoping to marry and have children with this man, he's making enough money to support a family when you have to take a maternity leave and raise his offspring.)

But, in case you need more justification, read on:

Now, for him to ask you out, think about how you looked when he saw you. Your haircut? It cost more than his.
Your clothes? Not only are they more expensive, but women's fashions change more rapidly than men's, so you've spent far more money getting dressed. And when you take it to the dry cleaners, or the laundry, they charge you more, even though there's less fabric. Even if every line item in your wardrobe was identical, think about the two items that you have that he doesn't: that bra (and probably not a cheap one,you were wearing
-- the Wonderbra, or he wouldn't have bothered in the first place)
and pantyhose. Expensive, and they run.
Oh, did I mention cosmetics?

So, it's cost you a lot more money, just to get to the point where he's inclined to ask you out. And HE asked YOU out. In business, if someone asks you to lunch, they're paying, right?
You don't even think about this, do you? Okay, then!

So, he comes to pick you up. That apartment of yours? Because you're a woman, you have to think about living in a safe (eg. more expensive)
neighborhood. You insist on an "upper"
apartment, which is at least $10 more a month. How about the pepper spray in your purse, or the cell phone for emergencies?

How many guys have that stuff to defend themselves from those marauding bands of female rapists and muggers? How about all the times you've valet parked because you don't want to walk a block or two in THAT neighborhood? If you live in New York, all the times you've taken a cab home instead of the subway because it's not safe for a woman to be out at that hour?

You go out, you let him pay.

It goes well, (because even if they bitch and moan about it, paying does make them feel like a man) he keeps asking you out. So, why not reach for the wallet now?

Are you planning to have sex with him?

So, that annual check-up you get just to make sure that all the parts are working properly? Unless your gynecologist knows the insurance scam,that's at least $100 a year that's not covered. And then, there's the birth control issue. Okay, at first, maybe for awhile, you're using condoms. He might even be paying for some of those, at pennies a pop.
But we've done the math. We know what the failure rates are there. So even if Trojan Man is paying a visit, we're probably employing a backup method. You read Cosmo. You know.

Everything is expensive and laden with hideous, probably not entirely known, side effects. The only inexpensive, side-effect-free method of birth control is the word NO. Which doesn't always work, and that's expensive and really shitty if it fails.

So there you have it. He asked you to dinner, he picked the restaurant, let him pick up the tab. Be a charming companion - you know the expression "dining out on that story..." If you want to do something nice for him, make him dinner once in awhile. Buy really nice lingerie.
Stock up on his favorite brand of condom.
Pay for your half of the vacation. But never, ever, pay for the date. No amount of sushi at Matsuhisa can possibly compensate for what it cost you to get your butt in that chair.

I'm all for equality, and letting a guy buy you dinner once in a while is a very fair way to even out the financial (and psychic) costs of being an attractive female that men want to buy dinner for.
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said.
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."
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This joke is REALLY rank! You've been warned!!!

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series.
But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone.
Finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you....
Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you....
He keeps dipping his nachos in your back!"
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A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife", replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming,...
and the smell of burning rubber!"
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Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.

When she's in a good mood it turns green.

When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
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A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."
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"What is causing this traffic congestion?
According to a report from the U.S. Department of Transportation, which recently completed a six-year, $187.3 million study of the problem, the root cause is, quote, 'a whole lot of people driving.'"

- Dave Barry
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On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"
he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
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"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."
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A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
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It was a hot day one August when my mom's cousin had a problem with the electrical system. Without informing her that he was contacting an electrician, her husband called to have him come check the breaker box which was in the kitchen closet.
He told the electrician that his wife would not be there so he would have to let himself into the house by the kitchen door.
She had a medical appointment that day and was running late.
When she went in to take a shower, she realized that her only bar of soap was at the kitchen sink. Stark naked she dashed into the kitchen to grab the bar of soap. Then she heard the milk man coming up the kitchen steps. On hot summer days he always placed the milk in the refrigerator for her instead of in the little box on the porch. She knew she did not have time to run back through the kitchen before he would open the door. So she just stepped into the kitchen closet to await his exit.
To her horror the electrician opened the closet door! At which she blurted, "Oh, no! I thought you were the milk man!"
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At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?"

"Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor and innocently ran with it.
"Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!"

My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to explain why.
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O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him.
Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher,"
Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors."
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"
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A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
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You can tell she's getting older when you give her a sensual foot massage, and while you're down there, you go ahead and rub her breasts as well.
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That's the jokes for today!
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....and the Computer
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