REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 20 - 7 days
Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 10 days
Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 11 days
Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 12 days
New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 17 days
**********************
JOKES:
.......
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up
after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What
did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me.
"We learned that boys are different from girls,"
she chirped. Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her
head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't,"
she added.
"Well, yes they do" I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say,
so we were quiet for a moment.
Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said.
"They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."
I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt
like an hour.
"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"
My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um, well."
I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she
asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"
Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that
question at least once? "Oh, well," I stammered.
She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they
walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and
that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then
the girl knows he likes her, too.
And then they get married. And then they get cooked."
That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty
good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she
hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.
"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"
I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all
puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon
drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his
beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His
tail feathers were standing tall and proud.
She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed
until I cried. But when I told her I loved it, and I did, she got over her
pique.
That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I
remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a
man, the same way since.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?
Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they
won't drink any.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My second grade class had just completed their first projects, and William was
now reading his to the class. "My report is on spiders. Spiders have eight legs.
Spiders spin webs. Spiders catch flies in their webs and eat them. A spider’s
enemy is the vacuum cleaner!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A seven-year old wandered into the room where her brand-new baby brother was
being nursed.
Because of her interest in the process, the nurse on call carefully explained
how mother animals make milk for their babies, humans as well. The child seemed
satisfied with the answer and was silent for a moment. Suddenly she looked up
and with a puzzled expression on her face said, "But, is it pasteurized?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A mother asked her son if he saw Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. "No, it was too
dark," he said. "But I heard what he shouted when he stubbed his toe in the
living room."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the
judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in
this case?" "Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded. "Would you please
pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve
the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads
the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be
returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to
the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated
the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each
other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The man's attorney turns to
his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant, with a
bewildered look on his face and then turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real
confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the
cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf
course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys
wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
From birth to age 18 a girl needs good parents.
From 18 to 35 she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality.
From 55 on, she needs cash.
- Sophie Tucker
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used
belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our
footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks."
One time when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head
calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us.
To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can
ask where I left my glasses.
********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
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