REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 20 - 8 days

Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 11 days

Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 12 days

Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 13 days

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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Greeks vs. Italians...


A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

...and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says: "We invented sex."

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women...
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When our dryer broke, my husband set to work.
He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job.

"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife's bra."
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I put a new disc into my DVD player yesterday and it refused to play it, telling me the disc was dirty.

Just my luck to get a DVD player with morals.
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Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.

That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
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The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials.

However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.

So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically.

After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever.

But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"

"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"
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A doctor pulled into a gas station and told the mechanic, "I'm having a hard time steering. The car won't go in the direction I want it to." The mechanic stepped back from the car and shook his head. "Doctor," he said, "what you got here is a case of flatulency of the perimeter caused by an extreme decline of pressure, resulting from a dangerous lesion of the epidermis and possible rupture of the internal tube. I'll have to charge you accordingly for such a serious condition."
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"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school teacher. All the eager children raised their hands except Little Johnny.

"I'm sorry, I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school," explained Little Johnny.....
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Five-year-old Zack went up to his mother, Jane and asked, "Mommy, do you have a thinking cap?" "No, not really," she replied, adding, "why do you ask?" "I heard Grandma tell Aunt Martha that you didn't have your thinking cap on when you got married."
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At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote." I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous "It ain’t over ’til it’s over!" There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?" "You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"
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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
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Licking Tiger

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out."

The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again.

The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it."

The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you.

But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
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The paper machine's speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $10,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to the General Electric repair service, and since it was 3:00 am on Saturday night, the only repair man they had available was old Charlie. Old Charlie had been a repairman for 35 years and was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn't impressed by much.

As old Charlie pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by no one less than the plant manager.
"Thank goodness you're here," he said. "How long will it take you to fix it?"

Now Charlie had had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, "Oh, about fifteen minutes."

"Great!" replied the plant manager, "My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need." After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Charlie, "I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

"I can and I will, " he replied, "As soon as I figure out what the heck is wrong with it!"
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The University of Great Falls in Montana has received a 2.3 million dollar donation from the will of a former janitor who worked in the dormitory at the school.

The man reportedly made his fortune selling off all the crap everyone leaves behind in their rooms at the end of the semester.
(This joke compliments of Jake Novak. For a real treat visit his site at: http://jakejakeny.blogspot.com (Jake's Comedy Corner)
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The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

 

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