TODAY'S JOKES 12-13-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 9 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 11 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 12 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded ... "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!!"
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The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown.
"Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
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A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."
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Sign In front of a service station:
Come in! Let us shock, tire, break and exhaust you.
My wife never lies about her age ...
She just tells everyone she's as old as I am.
Then she lies about my age.
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My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow. "What's the difference?" Sean asked. "Hello?" replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. "Color?"
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The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts, With purchases little and large; She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!
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The Stagecoach Dream
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
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A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her".
But was unsure what was proper for computers.
To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs." She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel barrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" The teacher then asks the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son raised his hand and exclaimed, "I know!
I know! -- 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
Apparently the teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.
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Two nuns are walking towards their convent when they notice that a man is following them. One of them asks the other one:" What shall we do, what shall we do"?
The other nun answers:s "let's walk faster!"
But the man seems to walk faster too, so the first nun asks again:" He's going to catch up with us in five minutes, what shall we do, what shall we do?"
The other nun says:" Let's split, he can only follow one of us."
One of them makes it back safely to the convent, but the other one doesn't come back for a very long time. Of course, the other nuns are concerned: and then she finally shows up.
They ask her what had happened to her and she tells them:
"When I realized that the guy was following me, I ran as fast as I could, but he also ran as fast as he could and I was sure that he would catch up with me, and he did!"
The other nuns get very excited and ask her :" What happened then, what happened then?"
She says:" I just lifted my skirt!"
The other ones:" And then, and then?"
She answers:" He dropped his pants!"
Now they want to know:" Tell us everything exactly as it happened from now on"
She simply says:" Nothing at all, because a nun with her skirt up can run a looooooooot faster than a man with his pants down!"
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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.
The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.
The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my damn cookies!"
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That's the jokes for today and for this week!
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
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