TODAY'S JOKES 12-11-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 11 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 13 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 14 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 20 days
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JOKES:
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.
Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it.
Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked.
They're all safe."
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An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything.
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't.
You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit.
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
The doctor then says, "You look great!!!
Keep up the regiment I prescribed for you during your last visit."
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The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists)
caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got.
He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. "A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits," he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat ?" he asked. The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?" The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
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"If you're going to work here, young man,"
said the boss, "one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
"Oh, yes, sir."
"And another thing, we are very keen on truthfulness. There is no mat."
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Last week I came down with the flu, loose as a goose at both ends, so I went to the doctor. Sat out in the waiting room for half an hour. Finally was taken into this little room to wait on the doctor. waited in there about another half hour. It was about 25 degrees outside and about 15 degrees in that room. Finally The doctor comes in. Tells me to raise my shirt, and puts the stethoscope against my back,(had just taken it from the freezer), says umm , uhuh, asked me if I smoke, I said yes. Asked me if I was left or right handed.(don't know what that had to do with anything.), said I was right handed. Asked me if I was allergic to penicillin, told him no. He writes me out a prescription, and starts to leave telling me the nurse will be in to give me a flu shot, and leaves. total time he's there 10 min. in a few minutes the nurse comes in gives me a shot and I leave. Total time there, almost 2hrs. Never did find out what's wrong with me, anyway went got prescription filled. Went home opened the bottle to take the pills, I've had smaller suppositories, Each pill about inch long, half inch diameter. Have to take 2 twice a day, take with food, hell after taking two of them, I'm full no room for food. Checked package for side effects. Guess what, side effects may cause vomiting and diarrhea, the same darn thing I went to the doctor for in the first place.
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"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your New Year's resolution."
- Jay Leno
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Did you hear that in the recent gales the fence blew down around the Nudist Camp?
A group of construction workers is looking into it.
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TWO BLONDES DISCUSSING BEES:
Lorraine was telling Melissa of her plans to make a lot of money. "I intend to buy a dozen swarms of bees and every morning at dawn I'm going to take them to the park, opposite my house, and let them spend all day making honey, while I relax." "But the park doesn't open until nine o'clock," protested Melissa. "I realize that," said Lorraine, "but I know where there's a hole in the fence."
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Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush."
Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten each day.
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SPEEDING
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I kidnapped the man who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun ? What...there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what ????
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
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There was a Great Dog Convention.
They come from near and far.
Some came on bicycles, and some came in cars.
Y'know, before they could enter, or even take a look, they had to take their asshole off, and hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated, (every mother, pup, and sire), An old dog hollered from the back, "Run for your life. It's a FIRE!"
The crowd of dogs began to panic, and nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the very nearest asshole, off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today, a dog will drop a bone, to sniff another dog's asshole, to see if it's his own.
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"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at
35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a
747?"
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"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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