TODAY'S JOKES 12-10-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 12 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 14 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 15 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 21 days
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JOKES:
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Let's here it for Moms
A woman, named Sue, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily.
"I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know...The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask,"
said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants
-- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
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A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper, blank apart from his name and "Act II Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28".
The teacher reached for his Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the second act read, "I cannot do this bloody thing."
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Great friends will bail you out of jail. But your best friends will be sitting next to you saying, "That was one hellova night!"
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An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time.
After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there.
The Indian replied, I've seen many moons!
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My neighbor has a 5 year old daughter, Odessey. One day Odessey was playing with the little boy from around the block, Austin, who is also 5. They were in the backyard.
Grandma lives with them and says to mommy, "Look outside..."
Mom goes to the window and sees Odessey and Austin making out on the trampoline in the backyard and goes running outside.
Mom: "What are you doing?!?"
Odessey: "We're playing house."
Mom: "Well, you can't play house anymore! Play something else!!"
Odessey: "Can we play cops and robbers??"
Mom: "Well, do you do that when you play cops and robbers?"
Odessey: "Only when we want to get out of a ticket..."
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"I got a sweater for my birthday... I really would have preferred a screamer or a moaner."
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One day my wife and I decided to take our two kids fishing down to the river. We had been there awhile and my son, who was about
4yrs. old, was playing along the banks edge. The water was about 5 feet deep near the bank where I was fishing. I always fish with nightcrawlers and crawdad tails and I was baiting a hook to cast back out with a crawdad tail. I had the hook and a cigarette in one hand and a peeled crawdad tail in the other. My son, who can not stand to get his head wet, not so much as a drop of water, was playing by the bank in front of me. All of a sudden he tumbled head first into the water and went completely under. Naturally I droped every thing and shoved my cigarette into my mouth, reached under the water and jerked him back out.
Amazingly he didn't have any water on his head. From the neck down he was soaked. I turned around and his mother and sister started laughing and so I started laughing also. That is, until I realized they were laughing at me. I had thrown down the hook and cigarette and shoved the peeled crawdad tail in my mouth instead of the cigarette.
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"Ninety percent of women say that a man's looks aren't important. So if she can't stand you, you know it's your lousy personality."
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My wife had been trying to teach our big dog, Oscar, not to eat the food she put out for our cat, Sammy and our little dog, Ling.
Oscar would wolf down his food and then proceed to finish off the meals of the slower eaters.
She will not punish them, she uses praise and reward methods, which eventually work, but not fast enough to suit me. I insisted on taking over and whenever Oscar went for the food of the others, I simply swatted and scolded him and soon the problem was solved.
At least that one was.
One evening, when she fed them, she watched, while both Sammy and Ling rushed to Oscar's dish and started eating while he sat and whimpered, not daring to stop them.
I guess I over trained him, my wife made me feel like a dog for what she calls "pet abuse".
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Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
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AT THE GYM
"At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
"Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts.
It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program."
--Unknown
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My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a
15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.
After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said, "Your dad is asking if you've got any cute nurses."
The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion.
"Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."
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Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs.
Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."
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"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
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As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.
"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."
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Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, f*cking assholes!
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Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.
The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.
Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.
"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!!!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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