REMINDERS:

Veterans Day Tue, Nov 11 - 5 days

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 20 days
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JOKES:
..........
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. At her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course,"
the woman snapped.
"I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."
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"My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age."
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MONTY: The doctor said my wife and I need more exercise, so I bought myself a brand-new set of golf clubs.

JETHRO: What did you buy your wife?

MONTY: A lawn mower.
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WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish: 49

Adventurer: Slept with all your friends

Athletic: No breasts

Average Looking: Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful: Pathological liar

Contagious Smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated: Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure: Medicated

Feminist: Fat ballbuster

Free Spirit: Junkie

Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun: Annoying

Gentle: Comatose

Good Listener: Borderline Autistic

New-Age: All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded: Desperate

Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate: Sloppy drunk

Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional: Certified Bitch

Redhead: Bad dye-job

Reubenesque: Grossly Fat

Romantic: Looks better by candle light

Social: Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray

Voluptuous: Very Fat

Weight proportion w/ height:
Hugely Fat - as tall as you are wide

Wants Soulmate: Stalker

Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart: Old bat
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MEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated: Will patronize you all the time

Free Spirit: Banging! Your sister

Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking: Arrogant

Very good looking: Dumb as a board

Honest: Pathological Liar

Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy

Mature: Older than your father

Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive: Gay

Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts.
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A man goes to a restaurant for dinner, but he doesn't like the food.

"Send the chef here," the man said to the waiter. "I wish to complain about this disgusting meal."

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait, sir," the waiter replied, "he's just stepped out for his dinner."
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It's been reported that public schools in California are so strapped for money, they are dropping foreign language classes.
People in California complain that unless the students study a foreign language, they won't be able to understand their governor (Conan O'Brien)
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OVERHEARD ON THE PUBLIC-ADDRESS SYSTEM OF A SUPERMARKET IN ALPHARETA, GA.:


"Would the person with a leaky bag of sugar please stop your shopping cart where you are so that our custodian can catch up to you."
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Following a brief hospital stay, a gentleman received a questionnaire asking him to grade the facility in several different categories. For the most part, he gave them high marks.
However, at the end of the form, under "Other Comments," he wrote:
"My principle motivation in striving to lead a law-abiding and upright life is the fear that prison food might be the equal of that served in your hospital."
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Helpful Hint

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
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Report from The Washington Post, in which they asked readers to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball:
Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
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There was a young man who was known for his lack of religious study. The rabbi of the congregation was not about to let this go unnoticed. The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem and now for my own special gift to you." With that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"
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My Memory Stick

My old dick is my memory stick Mother nature programmed for me It wakes me hourly during the night
So I can get up an pee

If not I would be wetting the bed
And that would not be so hot
I'd be laying there all soakin wet
In the only jammies I got

I'm happy that the plumbimg still works
But I keep getting madder and madder
For it wakes me from a good sound sleep
To get up and empty my bladder

Some nights I try to hold it in But the causes too much pain
So I finally have to relieve myself
And the cycle starts again

Empty it out, then fill up again It really keeps me hopping
But I won't complain I'll keep my peace
And pray some night it will be stopping

And so my friend I'll leave you now
You heard me tell all my woes
I hope this don't happen to you But that is how the water stream flows
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CUSTOMER:
"My computer crashed!"

TECH SUPPORT:
"It crashed?"

CUSTOMER:
"Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."

TECH SUPPORT:
"All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

CUSTOMER:
"No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"

CUSTOMER:
"I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

TECH SUPPORT:
"Click on 'file', then 'New Game'."

CUSTOMER:
(pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
*********************
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck .....and the Computer

 

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