REMINDERS:

Veterans Day Tue, Nov 11 - 6 days

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 21 days
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JOKES:
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An exterminating company was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment. After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad, "You don't have any termites right now, but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back. When they've eaten their way through it, I guarantee they'll head for your house."

Dad was silent for a moment. Then, in his slow drawl, he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted, I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."
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Interesting things to know:


1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2."
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries...)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is
318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look- alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
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Last year I entered the New York Marathon. I was finishing last.
It was embarrassing, And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "How does it feel to come in last?"

I said, "You really want to know? So I dropped out."
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An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment; then wrote, "Since 1776."
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Catching her in the act, I confronted our
3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."
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Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"
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It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.

"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman...... so I showed her."
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a two piece," he replied.
"You'd never get it all in one."
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A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr.
Poe. I thought you were long dead!"
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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."
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Worth Breaking the Sabbath?


One Sabbath afternoon, Jacob was in the Rabbi's office and was looking out the window when he said, "Rabbi, if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save it or should one let it drown?"

The Rabbi looked up and said, "No, my son, it is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow."

"That's a shame," says Jacob. "A cow has fallen into the lake and it's drowning."

The Rabbi replies, "Yes, it's too bad."

Jacob continues, "Its head is now going under and it's certainly going to die. I feel sorry for the animal."

"Yes," said the Rabbi, "it is not a nice thing to happen, but what can one do on the Sabbath?"

"And I feel so sorry for you," Jacob said.

"Why me?" said the Rabbi looking up.

"It is your cow."
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Two blondes were traveling together on an airplane, when one had to go to the restroom. She was gone so long when she got back the other one ask "what took so long"?

Well she said everytime I got up and was ready to leave a sign came on saying please return to your seat.
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Money may not be everything, but it sure keeps the kids writing to you! One college kid wrote home, "Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I haven't heard from you.
Please send me a check so I'll know you're okay."
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These are real APTRONYMS...
names that match the occupations.

Dr. Harry Beaver is a Virginia gynecologist.

Ray Ferrie is a retired ferryboat captain.

Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson was the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.

The current Florida Bar directory lists eight lawyers whose surname is "Law." They outnumber the Justices, of whom only four are listed. One Just. One Juster. Two Judges, neither of whom is a judge. One Council, but no Counsel.

Miss Cashdollar was the treasurer of a grade school.

Mr. Sues is a lawyer.

A soldier was spotted at a San Francisco military base with the nametag "Mankiller."

The 2001-2 Membership and Referral Directory of the American Urology Association includes 9 Dr. Peters,
11 Dr. Wang, 4 Dr.
Wiener, 4 Dr. Cox, 1 Dr. Dick, 3 Dr.
Philpott, 1 Dr. Urich, 1 Dr.
John Thomas and 1 Dr. Insoft Richard Seed is a pioneer of reproductive technology.

Cardinal Jaime Sin is former head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines.

Prof. Martin Braine is an American cognitive psychologist.

Prof. John Wisdom is an American philosopher.

Dr. Mishe Feinmesser (which means knife), is an Israeli surgeon.

Dr. Fingers is a well-know gynecologist in Australia.

Lake Speed is a NASCAR driver.

Dr. Dick Bone is an osteopath.

Patricia Feral is an animal rights activist in Stamford, CT.

A guy name Hooker runs a bait shop.

George Hammer used to own a hardware store in Louisville, KY. His son, Pete Hammer, now owns it.

The expert on deformed frogs (a problem in Minnesota) is Professor Hoppe of Southwest University of Minnesota.

In Maine, there is a veterinarian named Dr. Beever and a physician named Dr. DeKay.

Bruce Payne and David Swett are authors.

There is a law firm in California called Payne & Fears who represent employers in employment litigation.

At the British Guards Depot, the chief medical officer was a Captain Blood, his assistant was Lieutenant Butcher; the Dental Officer was a Major Savage.

Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor, is an ophthalmologist.

There's a used car dealership was owned by Karl Krook.

At the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison, WI, the FED meat inspector is named Mr. Carrion.

Dr. Metzger is an orthopedic surgeon. The name translated from German means "butcher."

Jared Wooley raises sheep and Dr. Bone is an orthopedist in Buffalo, NY. Back in the '70s there were two urologists in Rochester, NY named Dr. Cocky and Dr.
Wee.

Dr. David Toothaker is a dentist in Arkansas.

There is also a Dr. Coffin, Dr. Fearing, Dr.
Sorrow, Dr. Pray and Dr. Death (pronounced Deeth) who should probably change his name or his profession.

And not to be outdone by Yanks, Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, boasts of an optometrist named Gord Looker, an electrician named Bruce Sparks, a heating contractor named Mr. Freeze, a sawmill operator named Jordan Plank, and Jim Crook manages the local penitentiary while his assistant is Susan Penwarden.

Dr. Tom Fillar is a dentist.

Sir Russell Brain is a famous English neurologist.

Dr. Hertz was a dentist in Ft. Lauderdale.

Rev. D. Goodenough is a Methodist minister.

Roland Cruz is an auto mechanic.

Dr. Slaughter is an oral surgeon.
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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

Yes, I replied, that was a good analogy.

"I don't know how to make egg rolls,"
another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
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Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"
"That's quite all right," the woman replied.
"You look just like my fifth husband."
"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"
"Four," she answered. "
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Six-year-old Angie and her 4-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two big guys in gangster suits standing by the door? They're hushers."
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A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."
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Mary: The best man I ever met was good-looking, nice, complimentary, talented, pleasant, terrific in bed, and good to me.

Jill: So what was the problem?

Mary: He was already married to someone else!
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Debi and Jeni were chatting at the local rodeo when they noticed a man strut by... shirtless and wearing tight cut-off shorts.

"He must think," Debi said, shaking her head, "that he is God's gift to women."

Jeni laughed, "I hope he kept the receipt."
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That's the Jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer

 

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