TODAY'S JOKES 11-5-03
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REMINDERS:
Veterans Day Tue, Nov 11 - 7 days
Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 22 days
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JOKES:
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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo- Irish accords. The crowd is huge -
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry,
both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my
hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave elicits
rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering
subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat
than he, considers what he could do.
So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you
know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of
your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to
their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and
all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her.
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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer,
it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat
slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in
the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three
wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think
I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand.
He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd
look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The
genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after
you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for
you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more
of these."
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If 99.9% is good enough...
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and
she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're
cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying,
"She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the
man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm,
that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came
into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?"
she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story
have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she
meant, I fell off the roof!"
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A woman went to the doctors office and said, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a
problem. But, I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor told her
to go behind the screen and disrobe. She did and the doctor went around to see
her when she was ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asked.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replied.
"These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examined her and finally admitted he had no idea what the cause was.
Suddenly, the doctor asks, "You boyfriend wear earrings?"
"Why, yes, doctor, he does."
"Tell him they're not real gold."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of
his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish
when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for
me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,
you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any
wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were
irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That
was your first wish, too!"
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George W. Bush and Laura Bush go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats
in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to George and
whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Dubya grabs Laura and throws her out
onto the field!
The SS agent comes running back to Dubya and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think
you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."
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A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A
police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?
There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"
The man, amazed, looks down and then yells back, "What do you think I have, a
hose?"
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A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer
work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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