REMINDERS:

Election Day Tue, Nov 4 - 0 days

Veterans Day Tue, Nov 11 - 7 days

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 23 days
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JOKES:
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Man Is Like An Automobile ~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.

~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
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MOE: Are you dating that pretty redhead anymore?
JOE: No, she uses too many four-letter words.
MOE: My goodness! What words?
JOE: Can't, won't, and don't.
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"They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.
You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers."
--Tommy Blaze Seen on a Bumper Sticker: You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

Criticism should always leave people with the feeling that they have been helped.

Don't put people down, unless it's on your prayer list. - Stan Michalski You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without. - Unknown We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
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You know, there were very few things that upset my ex-husband.

It makes me feel rather special to have been one of them.
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Did you know that the biggest sellers in the bookstores are cookbooks.

The second biggest seller is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
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Only a week after Christmas an irate mom stormed into the toy shop. "I'm bringing back this unbreakable toy fire engine," she said to the man behind the counter. "It's useless!" "Surely your son hasn't broken it already?" he asked.
"No, he's broken all his other toys with it."
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In the Deeper life churches Young ladies who are single sing "Do something new in my life". But when they are over aged for marriage and they are not married they sing "I'm married to Jesus, Satan live me alone"
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Blonde Road Crew

A group of blondes applied for a job painting lines on the new highway. The foreman was worried because they had no experience, but the project manager pointed out that they were the lowest bid, and after all how hard could it be.

So the foreman showed them the line painting truck, gave some advice on painting a straight line, and asked if they had any questions. One blonde asked how far apart the lines should be painted. The foreman told them 25 feet, and showed them on a map what section of the highway they would be responsible for that day.

The blondes set off, and the foreman went about other tasks.

In the early evening the project manager asked about the new crew and how they did. The foreman replied he hadn’t seen them return yet. They waited for hours and late into the night they were about to get in a truck and go to check up on them when the blondes returned.

The foreman asked them what took them so long and one of the blondes said the truck kept getting stuck in the ditch. The foreman thought they meant the shoulder line and figured he’d check on it in the morning.

The next morning the foreman drove out to the section the blondes had painted. He could not believe his eyes. There, on the brand new highway, every 25 feet, lines were neatly painted across the road.
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Jill buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub.

One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

The friend is impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Jill replies, "I blindfold them."
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We here in California, who all you other states say that you are not jealous of, but come here and never leave, should secede from the union and keep the Military and Naval Ports we have and create the great nation CALIFORNICUS. Why, you ask?
Let's think about this.

Other states have fires and what do we do, we send our firefighters, and the military to help put those fires out. I.e..
Yosemite, Colorado, Arizona, Washington and Oregon.

Catastrophes, including Oklahoma City,
9/11 and even problems in other countries. Well we're sick of it. You can call us a bunch of fruits and flakes, just another state of Mexico, or whatever else you jealous bastards can think of. In the past, we received help from Canada in the form of Air tankers and Helicopters to help put out our fires and Nevada has sent out some trucks to help us.

For the rest of you, you are no longer on our Christmas Card list. Get your passports and maybe we will let you in. What are you going to do? Not send us food.
Hahahaha We are the 5th largest nation in GNP already.

Just to be on the safe side we will offer free trade with Canada, and free travel between Nevada, due to before mentioned help. All others prepare to pay the price for kicking us repeatedly while we were down.

And besides our governor may not be able to act, but he can kick your ass.
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Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology?
She blows your mind.

How is a bikini like a barbed-wire fence?
It protects the property without obstructing the view
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Southern Sayings

1) Faster than a bell clapper in a goose's ass (very fast; I never understood this one, but it was my aunt's favorite.)
2) Gad night a livin' (good grief!)
3) higher than a Georgia pine (drunk)
4) I'm fixin' to go down the road a piece (I'm going down the road for a short distance.)
5) Well, I'll just swaney! (Well, I'll be darned.)
6) Don't go off with your pistol half cocked.
(Don't get mad unless you have all the facts.)
7) We better git on the stick! (We better get started.)
8) Somebody beat him with the ugly stick.
(He's not very good looking.)
9) I'll knock you so hard you'll see tomorrow today. (You're gonna get it!)
10) Dumb as a bucket of rocks. (Pretty dumb)
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The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV.

The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas."

The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"

"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.

"Oh," she said. I thought you said, '..with my next wife...'"
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There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming....
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent."

Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one...."If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."
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A NEW TWIST TO A FEW OLD ADAGES:


A fool and his money...
....are fun to go out with.

If at first you don't succeed...
....hire someone who can.

'Tis better to have loved and lost...
....than to sit naked on an anthill covered with honey.

When in Rome...
....don't drive on the right side.

Too many cooks...
....less for me to do.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

 

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