REMINDERS:

Election Day Tue, Nov 4 - 1 days

Veterans Day Tue, Nov 11 - 8 days

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way.
I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 15 cats."
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Two college friends, one from New York and one from Iowa, come of age during summer break.
The New York boy's father presents him with a new pistol. Meantime, the Iowa boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next semester in their dorm room, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.

That night, when the New York boy phones home, he tells his father about the watch, and explains that he and Sammy traded.

The father blows his top. "Whats a matta you! You a stupid college kid? Some day, you maybe gonna get married. Then maybe some day you gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man.
What you gonna do then? Look at your watch and say, 'How long you gonna be?' "
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A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap.
She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?"

Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."

"Then where did you get the idea?" she asked.
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A few years back I was riding with my sister - in-law, in her old car. We came to a street light and the engine died .She ground the engine and pumped the gas ,but could not get it started .The light had changed several times ,and the man in the cadillac in back of us begain blowing his horn .My sister - in- law took about all she could take .she opened up the door and said she would be right back .When she returned to the car ,she was grinning ear to ear .I ask her what she had done ,she said she had told the old guy ,that if he would get her car started ,she would gladly set in his car and blow the horn for him .Needless to say there was no more horn blowing .
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"
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Boss Tips

Never give me work in the morning.
Always wait until
4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.

Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

Never introduce me to the people you're with.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
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The following excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.

Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty- five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end-- always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles.
Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
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This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there the lines stretches from where he is standing (the back) out of view for miles. He stands in line for hours, without it moving. Hours turn into days but the line has still not moved. He gets out of line and walks to the front where he finds Saint Peter.
"Saint Peter," he says "How come I have to stand in this line. I was a good man all of my life, I followed the Commandments, I went to church. How come I can't just get into Heaven?"

"Sorry," says Peter "But there are so many people entering heaven these days that is takes months to check everyone out. You are just going to have to wait your turn."

The man turns to head back to the end of the line when he sees a man dressed in a flight suit walking up to the gate. His boots are shined as bright as mirrors, his flight suit is pressed and impeccable, and his captain's bars shine on his flight cap like the sun.
He walks right up to the gate, throws Peter a salute, and strolls on in.

"What's the deal with that guy? Why does he get to skip line and walk right in?" asked the man.
"Oh, that's the Lord. He likes to pretend he's an Air Force pilot." says Peter.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck ......and the Computer

 

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