REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Wed, Dec 21 - 21 days

Christmas Eve - Sat, Dec 24 - 24 days

Christmas Day - Sun, Dec 25 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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Laws of Life:


When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)
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"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make- up mirror to see what time it was."
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My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

--Dick Gregory
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Southern Expressions

Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats: "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle." "This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments: "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits."

The Weather: "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin." A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults: "She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'" "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead" Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
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My wife has a ton of credit cards. She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse points north.
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The day after our church had a garage sale where the children had a table selling cookies and lemonade, our fund-raising group held a "mission meal"-soup and buns. Everyone was asked to bring something to add to a soup stock.
A couple of ladies took the two soup pots of stock from the fridge and put them on the stove.
Ingredients were added as parishioners arrived, and one pot was designated to take all the potatoes. People raved about the potato soup, but little comment was made about the other one. Midway through the meal, one of the members who had helped at the garage sale the day before poked his head into the kitchen to say we didn't need to mix up juice for the children to drink - the lemonade left from the garage sale was in a big soup pot in the fridge.
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Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.

2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"

3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

4. You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.

5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

7. She tells you that she's been working a lot.
You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
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Thanksgiving Night in Bible Times!


7. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma's house.

6. Young Israelite boys with slingshots shooting at the giant inflatable Caesar balloons which highlight every Phatama's Thanksgiving day parade (Phatama, a holiday tradition for 60 years).

5. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old?
Imagine roasting a camel (would you like the hump or a leg?).

4. No meal would be complete without an appetizer tray consisting of kumquat dip, those little round sausages that everybody likes but don't know what they're called, and Kentucky fried dove.

3. Ahkmed seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years.

2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV.

1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem manufacturers' marketplace the next day.
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John Wayne Museum

A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the career of the late and great actor John Wayne. One of the featured items is a pair of yellowy-brownish colored gravestones bearing his name, date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies.

The museum has decided to call the exhibit...
"The Amber Graves of Wayne."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

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