REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Wed, Dec 21 - 23 days

Christmas Eve - Sat, Dec 24 - 26 days

Christmas Day - Sun, Dec 25 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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I don't see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out things, and can be your eyes if you're blind. Could you imagine a seeing-eye cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, and you're history.
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Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute.
The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says. "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."
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A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food - Food will win the war."

Beneath someone had written, That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?
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A visiting speaker was impressed by the enthusiasm our Christian school students showed in their physical education class. "I exercise, too," he sighed, faintly smiling at our pastor. "Every morning I awaken to the alarm, jump from bed, and run around the block six times."

As our pastor expressed surprise and offered hearty praise, the man continued, "Then I kick the block under the bed and go back to sleep."
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One man tells of sitting next to a "wise" woman on a flight to Florida. He was preparing his notes for one of the parent- education seminars he conducted as an educational psychologist.

Bessie, an older woman sitting next to him, explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children,
18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what he did for a living. The man explained that he was a doctor psychologist specializing in children. He dreaded telling her this, as he fully expected her to question him for free professional advice during the three-hour flight.

Instead, she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "So doctor, if there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
---Planojo
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"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." (Victor Borge)
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A fool and his money are soon parted, especially if the government gets involved to speed up the process.
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Golf Hole

A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.

At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."

"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
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When they first manufactured golf balls, they made the covers smooth. Then it was discovered that after a ball had been roughed up one could get more distance out of it. So they started manufacturing them with dimpled covers. So it is with life; it takes some rough spots in your life to make you go your farthest. ~ Unknown
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The other day at work I ran into Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.
"Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me"
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"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." (Lord Byron)
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The fellow who is head and shoulders above the rest is sure to be sitting in front of you in a movie theater.
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Religion shouldn't separate people. We all end up the same; we just get there in different ways.
Jews are born with guilt. Catholics have to go learn it in school.
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A parent came to our school office to speak to the principal. Advised he was away for a few days, she asked, "Then may I speak to whomever is covering up for him?"
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When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it. It said: "Day one: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
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I put some turnip, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year- old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip. I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal. Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
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What is a clock?


....A non-alcoholic eye opener.

....A device that enables men to rise in the morning.

....Something that gets abused when it does its duty.

....Something that scares the daylights out of you.

....A small mechanical device to wake up people who don't have children.
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I had returned to my seat after having won a bottle of champagne on a cruise ship. The lady in the next chair said, "I'm fascinated by the color patterns in your dress. When you walk, I can't take my eyes off you. And do you know, the farther away you go, the better you look."
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We can't re-create the sixties, not even if we wanted to. We just don't have what it takes these days. There aren't enough politicians left worth killing.

~P. J. O'Rourke
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Visiting from the Yukon, my three-year-old niece viewed her grandma and grandpa's farm in Pennsylvania as an exciting adventure. She went with her grandparents on their round of evening chores and stood in wide-eyed wonder as her grandma took a stool, sat down beside a cow and began milking. After silently watching for several moments, she suddenly pointed to the milk that was steadily rising in the pail. "Oh, moose juice!" she exclaimed.
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"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table." --Nick Arnette "When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I wanted." --Scott Wood "The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison Europe." --Jay Leno "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." ---Jay Leno "Peter remained on friendly terms with Jesus notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law." --Nicholar Murray Butler
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I had posted signs early Saturday morning in our neighborhood advertising our garage sale, and even though it was raining, my sister and I were disappointed later when we had very few customers. As I went to take the signs down, I discovered why: My five-year-old nephew had given me one of his "washable" markers to use, and the rain had washed away our address.
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BE YOURSELF

Ever since I was a little kid, I didn't want to be me. I wanted to be like Billy Widdledon, and Billy Widdledon didn't even like me. I walked like he walked; I talked like he talked; and I signed up for the high school he signed up for.

Which was why Billy Widdledon changed. He began to hang around Herby Vandeman; he walked like Herby Vandeman; he talked like Herby Vandeman. He mixed me up! I began to walk and talk like Billy Widdledon, who was walking and talking like Herby Vandeman.

And then it dawned on me that Herby Vandeman walked and talked like Joey Haverlin. And Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson.

So here I am walking and talking like Billy Widdledon's imitation of Herby Vandeman's version of Joey Haverlin, trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson. And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking and talking like? Of all people, Dopey Wellington - that little pest who walks and talks like me!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

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