REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 1 days

Winter Solstice Mon, Dec 22 - 26 days

Christmas Eve Wed, Dec 24 - 28 days

Christmas Day Thu, Dec 25 - 29 days
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JOKES:
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All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the pastor smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back a credit card.
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Laws of Parenting

-- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
-- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
-- Toys multiply to fill any space available.
-- The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
-- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
-- If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
-- The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
-- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
-- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
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Presidential candidate John Kerry likes riding his Harley motorcycle.

If he is elected, he'll be the first president since Clinton to ride a hog.
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Billy: "I got a hundred in school today."
Mother: "That's wonderful, Billy. What did you get a hundred in?"
Billy: "Two things, I got fifty in spelling and fifty in arithmetic."
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What Is Insanity?


Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes.
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When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife."

"That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."

"How disgusting," she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung."

With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, Ma'am."
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After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally decided to grant a man three wishes.

I wish for "the coolest cars in the universe."

"Done."

I wish for the "most luxurious mansion in the universe."

"Done."

And I wish for "the best woman in the world."

So God sent him Mother Theresa.
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Two explorers were walking through the jungle when they saw a lion. They stood panicked as the lion stared at them.

One explorer said to the other' "Stay completely still and it won't attack. That's what it said in the book."

The other explorer turned to him and said, "I know I've read the book and I know you've read the book but how do I know the lion's read the book."
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In keeping with the spirit of the times, there's a new exercise class for all Mothers-in-Law.

It's called aerobic nagging.
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Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working.
My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!"
she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping, and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration.
As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
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You Know You're Having A Bad Day When...

* Nothing you own is actually paid for.
* You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
* You get to work and find a "60 Minutes"
news team waiting in your office.
* Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific!" And then you remember that you were home by yourself last night.
* You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
* The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
* Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
* You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
* Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
* The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
* Your 4-year-old tells you that it's "almost impossible" to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
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"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?"

He smiled and replied, "Test me."
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While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.

I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?"
he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry."
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True Southerners

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or
20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'"
can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'...,"
you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea"
and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
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My mother once gave me two sweaters for my birthday. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
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That's the jokes for today for for this week.
Have a GREAT Thanksgiving Holiday!!!!!!!!!
Chuck........ and the Computer

 

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