REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 2 days

Winter Solstice Mon, Dec 33 - 27 days

Christmas Eve Wed, Dec 24 - 29 days

Christmas Day Thu, Dec 25 - 30 days
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JOKES:
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My brother, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic. One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in his 18-wheeler singing and whistling. A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my brother, "What are you so happy about?"

"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.
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"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner." ~ Red Skelton
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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
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What If The Peanuts Gang Grew Up?


Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around almost 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us?

Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions, but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory.
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Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
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CATS AND TEENAGERS:


For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10.Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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A British friend of mine once found himself at a dinner party sitting next to an attractive American woman. The conversation turned to cricket, and the woman asked my friend to explain the game.

He agreed and embarked on a lengthy explanation of the mysteries of "silly mid-on," "fine-leg," "googly,"
"chinaman" and the like.

At the end he sat back, exhausted. The woman looked at him, shaking her head in wonderment, "That really is remarkable. And to think they do it all on horseback."
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My husband, Donald, is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.

One afternoon, he was overwhelmed with solving a computer network problem, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.

When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.

Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. "Don't worry," he said, obviously distracted, "I'll delete them in a few minutes."
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"Abdominos: Sit-ups & pizza!"


VIAGRA Chapstik? One way to keep a "stiff upper lip!"

"Always in the right place...but at the wrong time!"

There are only two things a child will share willingly ...
communicable diseases and his mother's age.
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The Bill Clinton Presidential Library is set to open in 2004. It is supposed to be a pretty special place.
They say it will be the only Presidential Library that features a cigar bar.
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Ollie, an old and well-known ostrich, was tired after all these years and he couldn't run much anymore.
But, he didn't relish getting himself killed either, so he came up with a plan.
He stripped off his feathers, got some brown paint, and put a pillow on his back. Now, he looked just like any camel he had ever seen.

Well, Ollie survived the first day and the second too. But, on the third, a hunter shot and killed Ollie.

Asked later how he managed to get the old legendary ostrich, the hunter replied, "He fooled me at first, … but it didn't take me too long to see through his camel flaws."
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How do you know when you're at a lesbian dinner party?

All the napkins have adhesive strips.
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As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing:
"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
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I'm thinking about getting married.


I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy."

Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."
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The cashier moves the cucumber over the bar code reader.

"That will be $65 for the cucumber please."

The lady customer goes, "What? ........."

The next guy in the check-out line wants a box of matches. Again the bar code reader says $32. "That will be $32 for the matches, sir" said the cashier.

"What? There must be something wrong with that reader!"

"Sorry sir, if the machine reads the codes to be $32, it IS $32."

The man puts the matches down on the counter and says: "You know what you can do with a $32 box of matches!"

"Sorry sir, can't do. There is already a $65 cucumber up there."
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A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.
"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck .....and the Computer

 

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