REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 3 days

Winter Solstice Mon, Dec 33 - 28 days

Christmas Eve Wed, Dec 14 - 30 days
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JOKES:
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The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied.

"But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noise place at eight o'clock."
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Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
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Our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit wasn't quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up."

"Delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other phrase."
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A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."
"Can you describe your symptoms?" he asks.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress.

When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question, especially coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well yes I am, actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
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Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?"

It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed.

I think that women would actually settle for three:

Slow down, turn off the TV, and call out the right name.
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My doctor doesn't believe in acupuncture.
He'd much rather stick you with his bill.
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"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians (inducting a gay Bishop) are an affront to Christians everywhere.

I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian marriages."
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Rednecks in West Virginia ...


A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "go ahead."

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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Playwright Noel Coward (to poet Edna Ferber who was wearing a suit): You look almost like a man.

Edna Ferber: So do you.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism "Life is a mystery, not a problem to be solved" ~Albert Einstein~
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A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive Army nurse to join him in a game of pool.

The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates."
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Science Magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.

Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus and men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
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The visiting American was quite upset by his sudden drop in popularity. During his first two weeks in England, he had been invited everywhere, feted and entertained.
Now, quite suddenly, his phone no longer jingled and no invitations crowded his mailbox.

Perplexed, he called his friend, Reginald.
"Reggie, you can speak frankly with me, what's happened? I'm being virtually ostracized."

Well, old boy," Reggie replied, "you remember that fox hunt you went on last weekend? Here in England it's customary to cry 'Tally- ho!' when you sight the fox-- NOT...
"There goes the little son of a bitch!"
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"It all began with Adam. He was the first man to tell a joke--or a lie. How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant."

---Mark Twain, 1867
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Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

Q: What are three words men dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
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I remember an incident a few years ago, in my home town school district, wherein a certain high school teacher was accused of "introducing" some of his students to marijuana. Apparently several of the students eventually developed such strong pot habits that they had "munched"
themselves 20-30 lbs. overweight, and had voluntarily turned the teacher in out of anger. It was not the first time a pot smoker had been given away by dilated pupils.
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A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago,"
replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker.
"Congratulations."
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She: It was an honest mistake, honey. I said I was sorry. If I get down on my knees, will you forgive me?

He: If you get down on your knees, I'll forgive, forget, and won't care if you do it again!
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After God had created man, he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."

Then he turned and looked at the woman.
After he had been studying her for a while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make- up."
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The old professor was standing in beautiful downtown Valdoster waiting for a bus on the wettest, rainiest day this spring. A lady was standing next to him, so he tried to be friendly and make conversation.

"If this rain keeps up, we'll all have to chip in and buy an ark,"
the old professor said to her.

"What's an ark?" she asked.

"You mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood, and all those animals?" he asked incredulously.

"Look, mister," she replied, "I've only been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer

 

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