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Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 6 days
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JOKES:
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Subject: STELLA AWARDS

STELLA AWARDS...

(Number one is amazing, no, they're all amazing!)

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella awards. The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds . That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teens who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 awards list without question.

***** THESE ARE TRUE...ITS VERY SCARY...WHAT A COUNTRY
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5th place (Tied)

Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms Robertson's Son.


5th place (Tied)
19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.


5th place (Tied)
Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the houseowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.


4th place Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.


3rd place A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


2nd place Kara Walton of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms.
Walton was trying to crawl through the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.



1st Place This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him that in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this .
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD********MAKES YOU WORRY!
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

(Contributed by the "daily" reader, Danny Meehan)
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A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

"Happy anniversary mom and dad,"
gushed son number one...."Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad.... "The important thing is that we're all together today."


Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here."


Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."


Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time.
Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but..... never got around to getting married."


The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?"

"Yep," said the dad....."and cheap ones too".

(Contributed by the "daily" reader, John Gross)
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NO!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the *back* of mine!"
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Dan came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Bill, noticed and asked Dan what happened.

Dan replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

"Gee, I never knew you played hockey", said Bill.

"No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."
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Blonde Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 15 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said...

"No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
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There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.
Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But Don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment". God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde doesn't.

(Contributed by the "daily" reader, Dave Sundy)
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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.
He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried?
that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."
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Mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?"
mother suggested. Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
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Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
~~~ God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left." ~~~ God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right. ~~~ God then address Hillary.
"Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."
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Anne meets up with Dana as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.

Anne asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

Dana replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
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Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs.
Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida Realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
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That's the jokes for today and for this week...
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck .....and the Computer

 

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