REMINDERS:
Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 7 days
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JOKES:
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Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down at the pub
with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife
thought it was me coming home drunk."
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I know a teenage girl who has been trying to run away from home for a year, but
every time she gets to the front door the phone rings.
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My friend had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I
have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just
take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.
Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the
new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and
said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
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Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that
showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is
your first name?"
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told
him it's spelled with a ph."
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When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure
carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice- She can either go up front to the maternity
department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a
hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every
run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what
amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors
known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA
to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you
manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks
as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer
whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place, I gasped in horror my bosom had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to
find the other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed
bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view
assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me
willing to stay inside it.
The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like
a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you
are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape,
and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a
serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills
and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a
rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to
wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit ..... a two-piece affair with a shorts style
bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read -- "Material might become
transparent in water."
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Ulysses S. Grant wasn't impressed by a fellow officer, even though a general
pointed out that the other man had served in ten campaigns. "So has that mule
over there," Grant countered, "but he's still a jackass, isn't he?"
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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young
woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed. After
several minutes, he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now
she was impatiently tapping her foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1
button (the ’help’ button)
over twenty minutes ago!"
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Amen
During a Christian conference, I worked late on the worship PowerPoint slides.
Please note that the "d" and "f" keys are next to each other on the keyboard and
spell checkers do not catch the wrong word in context.
The following morning as we were leading worship, the congregation sang "Lord
you are more precious than silver. Lord you are more costly than..." and
everyone broke into laughter. The slide said "Lord you are more costly than
GOLF."
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A girl is advised to make good use of what Mother Nature gave her before Father
Time takes it away.
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A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching the Notre Dame
game Saturday. We had ordered a round of draft beers and after they were brought
to the table, one of the guys, a visiting German Lufthansa pilot, took his back
to the bar. After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his
beer, to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.
When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened and why she
slapped him. His puzzled reply was, "Hell I don't know, all I did was ask her
for some head."
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A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the
tombstone reads:
"Here lies Shirley, wife of Sam Johnson, LLD, Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and
Immigration Legal Services"
Suddenly, Sam bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a
cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone!"
Through his tears, Sam sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone
number!"
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West Sussex, England - I know mechanics that refuse to work on their own cars,
let alone doctors willing to perform vasectomies on themselves. But that is
exactly what this West Sussex doctor did.
Jonathan Heatley, 45, reportedly gave himself local anesthetic and personally
performed the procedure with a scalpel, while a nurse and his wife stood by in
case of a mishap.
Heatley, who has three sons, aged 12, 14 and 16, told reporters he had already
performed three 'snips' that morning and decided to become number four. He
admitted the operation made him sweat a bit and his only worry was making sure
he was properly numb while he carried out the operation.
Damn! And I thought piercing my own ears was a big deal!
*****************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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