REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day - Thu, Nov 24 - 6 days
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JOKES:
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One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 17 to 2."
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MOTHER: What a dirty face! Your Aunt Marcella won't kiss you like that.

JORDAN: That's what I figured.
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At a crowded hotel restaurant, my parents and I gave our order to the waitress. A short time later, she returned. "I'm sorry," she told Mom, "but we're out of French toast."

Mom thought for a moment before asking if she could have eggs, toast and a glass of milk. The waitress nodded, and as she turned to leave, Mom added, "But just before you bring it to me, beat the eggs and milk together, dip the bread in it and fry it on the griddle for two minutes on each side."
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My husband and I stood in the express checkout line, each of us holding five items. The cashier at the next checkout, with no customers in line, looked over at us and asked, "Are you two together?" "For 44 years," I replied.

She smiled. "Then I won't separate you now."
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A young boy, taking a vacation cruise with his parents, turned green with seasickness.

"Are you sure you don't want dinner, Honey?"
asked his mother.

The boy shook his head and replied, "Just throw it overboard, Mom, and save me the trip to the railing."
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A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

After the teacher asked the pupil what 'DC' stood for, the student added, "Dot com!"
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Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young.
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While I was on a study tour with an international group of journalists, we struggled to understand the local currency. But in Ukraine, one guy was baffled and amused by the change he received from the $20 American bill he had given a clerk:
in bills, $17 American; in change, an American quarter and a deutsche mark; and in chewing gum, two sticks.
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My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original colonies!"
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My sister and I, visiting our uncle in hospital, had brought along a treat for him. Because we weren't sure if he was on a restricted diet, we asked at the nursing station and were told it was alright to give him the brownies.

As we turned to leave, an orderly held up his hand to stop us. "I'm here," he advised, "for quality control."
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At my grandson's school, the lunch-hour rule is that the children must eat their main course first, before dessert. One morning my daughter had to make Jake's lunch in a hurry: granola bar, cheese, raisins, cantaloupe, orange, snack cake and a juice. Jake looked distressed, so his mother explained that his lunch was nutritious, and she just didn't have time to make a sandwich. "But Mom," Jake cried, "what do I eat first?"
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I was helping out with registration at the high school for adults where I teach. A man came in to register for courses that semester. "Are you a new student to this school or have you been here before?" I asked.

"I'm a returning student," he answered.

"So you were here last semester?" I asked.

"Oh, no," he said, confused. "I was here this morning."
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Rules For Surviving Web Addiction

* I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

* I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

* I will get dressed before noon.

* I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

* I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

* I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

* I will read a book I think I still remember how.

* I will listen to those around me and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

* I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for e-mail.

* I will try leave the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.

* I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

* I will remember I must go to bed sometime *
the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Oh I went to a strip mall today and was very disappointed because everyone was still wearing clothes.
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Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia? He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!
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There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:

"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"

He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all.
The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
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Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.

"That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
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Of course you heard about the dyslexic Highway patrolman who was giving out IUDs.
--Sacramento Mike "Political experts say that because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues, his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes." --Conan O'Brien "Just when you thought things couldn't get uglier at the White House...yesterday, Prince Charles and Camilla showed up. Prince Charles said today that he wants sit down with President Bush and negotiate a settlement where we take back Madonna." --Jay Leno "The New York City Marathon is coming up. It's not the hardest marathon. I believe it's the only marathon with smoke breaks." -- David Letterman
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STOCKHOLM (Nov. 7) - A Swedish postcard bearing a lottery number arrived 50 years after being sent to a retirement home on the Baltic island of Gotland.

The card to a former employee at the Avallegarden retirement home in Klintehamn was mailed by a friend in Finspang, some 90 miles away on the Swedish mainland. Sent in October 1955, it arrived last month.

"Now and again a letter that has gone astray like this surfaces somewhere ... but it is very unusual," Swedish Post Office spokesman Markus Trautmann said Monday.

The postcard included the number of a lottery ticket that the two women bought together, local paper newspaper Gotlands Allehanda reported. It was not known if they won.
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Hopefully, submitting this into the jokes section,
1, it will be allowed and 2, Catlover will see this.
Many of us in here have said the same but Sonata said it best; They're all typos, for the most part, CatL. Folks copy jokes and submit. Plain and simple. Of course, I ALWAYS correct my submissions, lol.
Come in some eve and join us for sparkling conversation and "tete-a-tete" with the whole www reading! Could turn your life around.
Really. Some very strong friendships have formed in here, based on the written word, and months and months of bonding. Who knows?
We could be the group of friends you've always longed for and never found. Diverse? Yes.
Cohesive? Yes. Virtually a bundle of good folks with ideas, opinions, strengths, and a tremendous sense for the ridiculous and humorous. Try us, you'll like us. Seriously.
Decent folks. But above all, we appreciate humor and know laughter can lift us up. Come on in, the door's open, we never close, and you're welcome to pull up a chair and yak with us at the Round Table.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ... and the Computer
 

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