REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 9 days
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JOKES:
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A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read: "Don't Waste Food -
- Food will win the war."

Beneath someone had written: That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?
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Marriage

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad , why would I a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?" (Adam Sandler)

Things change when you get married, I would walk around the house with no clothes on. My husband would be like, "Baby, you look so good, Come here." He couldn't his hands off me. Now when I walk around the house with no clothes on, he's like, "Ain't you cold?"
(Roz Browne)

I will not cheat on my wife. Because I love my house.
(Chas Elstner)

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back.
We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. (Rita Rudner)

Marriage is real tough because you have to deal with feelings, and lawyers. (Richard Pryor)
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A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place.
She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit.".
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Actress: Mr. Hitchcock, what do you think is my best side?

Director Alfred Hitchcock: My dear, you're sitting on it!
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Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Johnny, you can't eat that now it has germs."

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear and I haven't seen one of them yet!"
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Why did God create Man before Woman?


He didn't want any advice.
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What's the worst thing you can do to your wife during a power outage?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.
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We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now, with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future, to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
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A cat isn't fussy - just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor.
--Arthur Bridges
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McDonald's may not be "lovin' it," but the editors of the Merriam- Webster dictionary say "Mc Job" is a word that's here to stay.

The 11th edition of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, published in June, defines a "Mc Job" as "a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement."

The fast-food giant's chief executive called the definition a "slap in the face" to the 12 million people who work in the restaurant industry, and demanded that Merriam-Webster dish up something more flattering.

But the dictionary publisher said today that it "stands by the accuracy and appropriateness" of its definition.
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In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse.
With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
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Separation

I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words:

Men Doing Laundry.

At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL.
But the evidence is overwhelming, as the Bush Administration might say. MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships.

Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?"

Husband: "Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top."

Wife: "You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don't know what separation means, but trust me, you're about to find out!"
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Here's my idea for another one of those "reality-based" TV shows:
NO SURVIVORS! One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the "Survivor"
survivors. Think of it as a public service.

(George Carlin)
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Before the books were published, readers suggested titles for Monica's tell-all book:

* Me and My Big Mouth
* What Really Goes Down In The White House
* You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
* How I Blew It In Washington
* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
* Going Back for Gore
* Secret Services to the President
* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
* The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
* She's Chief of MY Staff!
* Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
* Going Down and Moving Up
* Members of the Presidential Cabinet
* How To Get A Head in Business
* I Wore What You Did Last Summer!
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This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.

TECH SUPPORT:
"O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

CUSTOMER:
"Oh, but I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer

 

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