REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 10 days
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JOKES:
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Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.
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Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.

In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size."

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
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A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favorite drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink.

So off they went. The brunette went first.
On her way down, she shouted out, "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little unsteady.

Next the redhead -- who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting, "Whisky," and of course into a pool of whisky she fell.
She had to be dragged away practically unconscious.

Now it was the blondes turn. She was very excited, and on her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted - "Weeeeeee!!"......
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When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.
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A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three months. Every few weeks he'd send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come home.
Still buying."

The wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something.

She sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
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Did you hear about the Arkansan who had eight vasectomies?

He had to... his wife kept getting pregnant.
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A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer". On the phone the man said he held the printer up in front of the screen but the computer still couldn't find it.
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Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
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The day of Halloween my daughter decided she wanted to dress-up, so we frantically searched the department stores for something, no luck. On the way home I had this idea, it was just a joke however, so I said, put "Why lie I'm Pregnant" on a white t-shirt and stuff a pillow under it, she looked horrified at me and said, how did you know? Guess the joke's on me!!!!
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Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it's cheaper.
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..."and God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns
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A new erectile dysfunction drug claims it will allow men to last seven times longer than Viagra.

In a related story, Elizabeth Dole has gone into hiding.
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David Letterman and his girlfriend recently had their first child, a son. According to this week's People magazine, Dave's number one reason he's 'Glad To Be A Dad'" is:
"There is now tangible evidence that I have had sex!"
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I don't understand the terminology on TV weather reports, "The temperature today is twenty-two, but with wind-chill factor, it feels like ten below." What the hell does that mean? Give us something we can use, "The temperature outside is 'Damn!' But with the wind, it feels more like 'Son-of-a-bitch!" I know how to dress for Son-of-a-bitch.
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True Story

Canadian biologists puzzled by a mysterious, underwater sound think it may be herrings farting. "It sounds just like a high-pitched raspberry," said Ben W. of the University of British Columbia.

(New York Post)
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Bubba's personals ad

SW Good Ol' Boy seeks big-haired woman who enjoys campin', fishin', huntin', and goin' four-wheelin' miles from any bathroom to share tobacco-chewin', beer-drinkin', lyin', cussin', belchin', 'n' fartin'.

Readin' 'n' 'ritin' abilities a plus, even better if you can do math.
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Did you hear that CBS will replace "The Reagans" with "The Clintons" miniseries.

The word is that Rev. Pat Robinson and Rev. Jerry Falwell have been commissioned by CBS to produce "The Clintons" with Rush Limbaugh playing Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell playing Hillary Clinton and Barbra Streisand playing Monica Lewinski.
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"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said.
"Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged. However, while my friend was working as a student nurse, She found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.

"So how was it?" his mother asked Little Johnny.

"Great!" Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot,"
exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at
30 to 1!"
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My job is not all that difficult, but I do have to know the entire alphabet.
Vanna White
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Heredity: the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer

 

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