REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day - Thu, Nov 24 - 8 days
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JOKES:
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I may be sixty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around when I need one.
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The Constitution

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"

Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"

"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."

"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"

"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
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Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.

Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.

They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."

So Ole drives to Duluth.
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The holiday bowl games were in full swing, and we had invited some other football fans over.
One couple brought their active two-year- old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons.

After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation.

The next morning I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl?" I asked my just-awakening husband.

"Gee, I don't know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports-trivia question. "I think it's in Florida."
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A Virginia woman is making money selling her paintings of Alan Greenspan. Most of her customers are Star Wars fans who think they are buying paintings of Yoda.
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An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.

A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.

"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."

The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.

"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"

"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"

"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."

"But, I have no trouble with my hands."

"Of course you have trouble with your hands.
Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."

"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
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How do you know you're living in Tennessee?
You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.

"My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you." Emmett Fitz-Hume (Chevy Chase) Spies Like Us

"You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy...because you might be one yourself someday." Carol Brady, The Brady Bunch
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Living Will

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
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"Mother," said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."

"Are you sure?" asked his mother.

"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."
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Dr. Dress

During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room.
Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student.
In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.

I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
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While traveling on our family vacation, we stopped for dinner late in the day at a rather expensive-looking restaurant. When our youngest son ordered his usual peanut butter sandwich, the waitress told him that they didn't serve sandwiches after five. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed, "I was five on my birthday last week." She gave him a sympathetic pat on the head and left us mulling over the menu. A few minutes later she returned - and set a beautifully appointed peanut butter sandwich in front of one very grateful little boy.
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Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
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Matrimony is like getting a new car. Basically, you're buying your partner "as is."

And like it or not, you can get a lemon.
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Just when the fields had started to dry up, we had another downpour. When I asked one farmer how he liked the rain, he patted his portly girth and said, "It was a lot like that second piece of pie--it sure was nice, but I just didn't need it."
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Ballet demands discipline, skill, athleticism, perseverance, and courage. And that's just to get into the tights.
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A Different Nighttime Prayer

We've been letting our six-year-old go to sleep listening to the radio, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's a good idea. Last night he said his prayers and wound up with: "And God bless Mommy and Daddy and Sister. Amen and FM!"
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I love Halloween. The Christmas decorations look so nice in the department stores.
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I asked my music-history class at Villanova University the question, "What is music?" I introduced the subject by showing a video in which the American composer John Cage described his silent piano composition, 4'33"- so named because it was four minutes 33 seconds long. After composing it, he erased the notes from his score as a way of compelling others to think critically about what they consider "music." I was amused by one student's submission. She wrote a five-page essay, and then erased every word with white-out.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

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