REMINDERS:
Thanksgiving Day - Thu, Nov 24 - 9 days
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JOKES:
.......
"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like." - Will Smith
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My doctor told me my operation was fairly routine and not at all complicated. I
told him to remember that when he makes out the bill.
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Getting Older
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher came upon a farmer Mending a fence
along the roadside. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher pulled
over and asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good
man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw,
these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope
my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of
here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the rapture? It's coming soon," the frustrated preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be
today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer
remarked, "Well, please don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much. If
she hears about it she'll wanna go all three days."
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WINNERS ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Winners take chances. Like everyone else, they fear failing, but they refuse to
let fear control them.
Winners don't give up. When life gets rough, they hang in until the going gets
better.
Winners are flexible. They realize there is more than one way and are willing to
try others.
Winners know they are not perfect. They respect their weaknesses while making
the most of their strengths.
Winners fall, but they don't stay down. They stubbornly refuse to let a fall
keep them from climbing.
Winners don't blame fate for their failures nor luck for their successes.
Winners accept responsibility for their lives.
Winners are positive thinkers who see good in all things... from the ordinary,
they make the extraordinary.
Winners believe in the path they have chosen even when it's hard, even when
others can't see where they are going, Winners are patient. They know a goal is
only as worthy as the effort that's required to achieve it.
Winners are people like you. They make this world a better place to be. (Nancye
Sims)
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The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front
of them:
dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another
flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"
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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman, or a bad woman. It
depends on how much happiness you can handle.
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When our nine-member family got together Mom cooked a twenty-pound turkey, which
was nearly consumed by the crowd. Just before trash day, Mom posted a note on
the refrigerator; "Pick on the turkey," to which my recently retired father soon
added: "Instead of me."
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When a hunter wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to
murder him, he calls it ferocity.
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One Liners
Marriage is like a tango... it takes two, and occasionally one has to bend over
backward to keep the dance going.
There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show
who's driving who crazy.
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Time to Take Out the Decorations...
A child picks out creche figures from the dusty box stored since last Christmas.
Here's a shepherd. Here's Joseph. Here's a sheep.
Here's Mary. And here's Jesus in his car seat.
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A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices
that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
"Can you please taste the soup?"
"What's wrong with the soup?"
"Just taste it."
"Why?"
"Just taste it."
"Sir, I--"
"Just taste it."
"Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"
"EXACTLY. BRING ME A DAMN SPOON."
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After traveling a few blocks, Miss Bigtits realized she had no money and
immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's
ten dollars already," she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said.
"I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your
bra." "You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five
dollars."
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"Today in Mexico it was the day of the dead. It's the holiday where people from
Mexico celebrate all the departed souls that are now living in Los Angeles!"
--Jay Leno "How many folks been to McDonalds lately?
They're trying to improve their image. They now have big screen TV's and leather
coaches. I'm thinking wouldn't that money have been better spent on actual
beef?" --Dave Letterman "
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Late Night Political Humor.
Jay Leno: "Welcome to the Tonight Show. Nice to have you here. What a crowd!
Boy, I tell you.
You sound like Dick Cheney looking at Exxon's profits."
Jay Leno: "Today, President Bush outlined the US government's plan to fight a
bird flu outbreak. Apparently, his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in
Iraq before it attacks us here."
Jay Leno: "You know what he's calling his bird flu attack? 'Flock and Awe.'
That's what we're calling it."
Jay Leno: "I tell you, this bird flu is pretty scary.
See, this shows you how times have changed.
Remember when you'd give someone with the flu chicken soup? Well, now the
chicken in the soup can give you the flu."
Jay Leno: "President Bush says he wants to stockpile enough vaccine to protect
20 million Americans. Of course, the other 260 million Americans who aren't
millionaires, you're on your own."
Jay Leno: "Bush said today he wants to spend something like $7 billion on a
vaccine for this bird flu. In a related story, Halliburton said, 'We're in the
vaccine business.'"
Jay Leno: "I don't think President Bush really understands this bird flu. Like,
one reporter asked him today if he's inoculated, and Bush said, 'Hey, I haven't
had a drink in 20 years.'"
Jay Leno: "Well, it was a scary moment in Washington, DC, yesterday, when a man
with a knife was arrested in a park right across the street, a couple hundred
yards away from the White House, after he slashed four people.
Luckily, no one was seriously injured, and the Secret Service said the incident
was 'not terrorist-related.' Well, thank God for that, huh?
Luckily, he was a just a crazy guy across the street from the White House with a
knife, stabbing people."
Jay Leno: "And last night, Prince Charles and Camilla visited President Bush at
the White House. One embarrassing moment, Bush said to Prince Charles, 'Hey, you
didn't tell me you were bringing your mom!'"
Jay Leno: "There is a lot of criticism about Prince Charles visiting President
Bush. Some people say all he does is wave while other people do the real work.
He didn't deserve the job, he only got it 'cause of his parents. And then, of
course, there's criticism of Prince Charles."
Jay Leno: "Looks like a big battle brewing in the Senate over Bush's Supreme
Court nominee, Samuel Alito. You know, this judge. Bush says the reason he chose
Alito was because he did such a good job at the OJ trial."
Jay Leno: "The government is spending millions of dollars to study psychic
teleportation. You know what that is? That's the ability to move yourself from
location to location by just using mind power. You know, as if Americans aren't
fat and inactive enough as it is. Now you go from lying on the couch watching TV
all the way to sitting on the john without taking a step?"
Jay Leno: "And during yesterday's elections, the city of Denver voted to
legalize marijuana possession. 53% of the people approve of having marijuana in
Denver, how about that?
How does that make Bush feel? He's 14% behind pot now."
Conan O'Brien: "Big day in Washington. That's right. Prince Charles and his wife
Camilla flew to Washington DC today to meet with President Bush and the first
lady. Isn't that nice? Yeah.
Unfortunately, during a 1-gun salute on the South Lawn, Camilla got frightened,
bolted and jumped over a fence."
Conan O'Brien: "During a press conference this week -- this is weird -- a
journalist asked President Bush what he carried in his pockets, and Bush showed
him that all he had was a handkerchief. Yeah. Or as President Bush calls it, his
'booger motel.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Officials in the Philippines are charging the environmental
group Greenpeace $7,000 because one of Greenpeace's boats destroyed a coral
reef. Yeah. Greenpeace says it will pay the fine by selling off its collection
of rare ivory."
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SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIAGE COLD...
1st year ~ The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those
nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all
the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the
hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is
lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already
arranged it with the head nurse."
2nd year ~ "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the
doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go
on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year ~ "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need
the rest.
I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
4th year ~ "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When
you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go
to bed yourself!"
5th year ~ "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year ~ "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking
like a dog!"
7th year ~ "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia?
You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
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