REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day - Thu, Nov 24 - 10 days
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JOKES:
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With hurricanes, tornado's, flooding and severe t-storms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the big quake in Pakistan, the quote of the month is from Jay Leno: "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance ?"
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There would be fewer arguments if more of us tried to determine what is right instead of who is right.
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A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway.
They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"
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Friends seem to be like aspirin: we don't really know why they make a sick person feel better, but they do.
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"In a recent poll, one in four people said they'd donate a kidney to a complete stranger. Yeah, sure... 90% of people won't even let a stranger merge in traffic!"
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"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out.
A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"
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The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."

"Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done."
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My son had just turned 14 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Son, do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"
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Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.
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Middle age is when you know your way around but don't feel like going!
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Herbert Hoover once complained to former president Calvin Coolidge that his attempts to promote economic recovery during the Great Depression seemed to be having minimal impact; moreover, his critics were becoming increasingly vocal and belligerent. "You can't expect to see calves running in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows," Coolidge remarked. "No," Hoover replied. "But I would at least expect to see contented cows."
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My secretary stopped me as I approached her desk. Red faced and nervous, she pointed to an expense statement and asked if I thought it appropriate to charge the company for such an item. It read "Viagrafix." I didn't see any cause for her concern, until I realized we were reading the word differently: she as "viagra fix" and I, "ViaGrafix," a software design package.
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Perhaps once in a hundred years a person is ruined by excessive praise, but surely once every minute someone dies inside for lack of it.
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Tiger Woods was once introduced to pop diva Christina Aguilera. "Oh, Christina, I love your music," Tiger told her. "I have all your CDs."
Christina’s reply? "Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis."
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One of my classmates at the Temple University struggled to complete a major term paper on time. He had selected a topic that required considerable background research, and he was running out of time to present the results in a polished form. When he finally turned his paper in, past the deadline, it was diffuse and longer than the number of pages assigned. "Why did you write such a long paper?" asked the professor.

"Because I didn't have enough time to write a short one," the student replied.
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In football everybody knows how rowdy the fans get. The vendors go up and down the aisles hollering, "Peanuts, popcorn, bandages..."
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Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"No hablo ingles."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
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A man had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he was there, the man said, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

"Well," responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

The patient said, "I'm a window washer."
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There are 25 men on a major league baseball roster. 2 major league baseball teams could all stand on a blue whale's tongue at the same time . . . that is if it were no longer attached to the whale.
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Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

"I like everything about fall. For example, I like Oktober- fest. On my way to work my cab driver had pretzels in his turban." --Dave Letterman "CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that he is happy about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada he's had his eye on." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush has declared a War on Pornography. Boy, I can't wait for those playing cards to come out. Hey, I got the Queen of Spades!" --Jay Leno
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT day!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
 

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