REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 13 days
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JOKES:
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A new Pastor in a small town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty.
Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
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A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping.
She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.

Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
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Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey.
They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.

A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."

"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.

A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey.
"Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."

"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers.

A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus,"
says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey.
"But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."
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You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred.
You cannot help the poor by discouraging the rich.
You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.

Abraham Lincoln
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Blanche: Sweetie, for my birthday, I'd like a few things that are hard to break.
Herb: Tupperware?
Blanche: I was thinking more along the lines of hundred-dollar bills.
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Women's Advice

(What Men Ought To Know...)

The reason why our bras don't always match our under wear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

No, we're not impressed with your car...it takes no special skills to make car payments each month.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...Thank-you.

We don't care if you hold the remote...unlike you however, we don't enjoy watching 117 different programs in 5 minutes.

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: We don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life ...
you'll never see the 'island' coming.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance ... in fact, PLEASE DO!

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive versus a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us...WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!

Your balding is a good thing ... it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

We go to the ladies room in groups to talk about you.
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-from You Bet Your Life

Comedian Groucho Marx: How did you meet your wife?
Man: Through a friend of mine.
Groucho: Do you still regard him as a friend?
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BEING IRISH MEANS.......


* you will never play professional basketball
* you swear very well
* you think you sing very well
* you have no idea how to make a long story short
* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
* much of your food was boiled
* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
* you're strangely poetic after a few beers
* you're poetic a lot
* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations
* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her
* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
* someone in your family is incredibly cheap it.. is more than likely you
* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing
* you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking
* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"

* you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency
* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"

* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Flah"

* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room
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The ancient Egyptians use to worship cats; the cats haven't forgotten that.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ........and the Computer

 

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