REMINDERS:
Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 14 days
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JOKES:
..........
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to
remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a
florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers
to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving
husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until
next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said
off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey.
Where'd you get them?"
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The Bill of Non-Rights
The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.
This guy should run for President.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation
safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty
to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time
to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,
guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self evident:
that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim
they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
Article I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other
form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.
Article II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -
- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
Article III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently=20 wealthy.
Article IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help
anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
Article V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice,
but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health
care.
Article VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you
kidnap, rape, intentionally maim,=20 or kill someone, don't be surprised if the
rest of us want to see you=20 fry in the electric chair.
Article VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
Article VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to
have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
Article IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that
you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you
are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you
who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Article X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are
from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from.
(lastly....)
Article XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or
heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all;
with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage.
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Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
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Joe was having a really bad day on the golf course. Right around the 14th hole,
it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive
string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by
the 15th tee.
"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."
"You think so?" said his partner. "I've got five bucks says he misses the
water!"
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An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an
attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form,
the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question
concerning transportation to and from work. "What about your bus line?" the
interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
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Brezhnev gets up on the podium for his speech to open the Moscow Olympics. As
the staged thunderous applause dies down, he coughs and slowly takes a piece of
paper from his pocket. He unfolds it and starts to read in a heavy, slow,
ponderous voice.
Brezhnev: "Oh... Oh... Oh..."
Advisor: (whispering from the side)
"Comrade General-Secretary..."
Brezhnev: "Oh... Oh..."
Advisor: (more urgent whisper) "Comrade General-Secretary, that is the Olympic
logo, the speech starts down here."
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Man, Woman, and Cat - Stages In a Relationship.....
At the beginning of a relationship...
Woman: Darling, I'd like you to meet my cat.
Man: (under his breath: Ugh. I hate cats.)
Uh, hi. Nice kitty.
As the relationship progresses...
Woman: Dear, I get the impression that you don't like my cat.
Man: That's ridiculous. I love Poopsie.
(under his breath: This cat is ruining our relationship.)
As the relationship reaches a more stable level...
Woman: Oh, Poopsie looks just so cute sitting there on your lap.
Man: (Darn thing's shedding all over my new suit.) Well, I guess she's not so
bad.
Later...
Woman: I swear, you like that cat more than you like me.
Man: You know that's not true. I can't help it if she follows me around all the
time The final stages...
Man: Honey, have you seen my cat anywhere?
Woman: What do you mean, your cat?
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE:
10. Sometimes stays in bed til after
6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain'listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
And the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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A woman in KY, an avid cemetery hunter did what no gal should do.
She had heard about a cemetery in the woods long sought after and went by
herself . It was way off the beaten path. She found the cemetery and was getting
ready to mark the names and dates down when she heard a click on either side of
her. She was on her hands and knees. She looked up and saw a fellow on either
side of her with a rifle, cocked. In her excitement, she had been pulling up
grass and weeds to clear the stones.
When she glanced down, she saw what she had been pulling ... their "crop" ready
for harvesting - the illegal type of hemp!
Thinking quickly (and likely praying a lot!) she turned on the tears and said
"Oh, I hope I'm not trespassing ... I'm just so happy .... THERE'S GRANDPA!"
"I've hunted for his grave for years (sob, sob), and there he is, oh Grandpa!"
They took one look at her and just walked away. Never go cemetery hunting
alone!!! By the way, she didn't have the foggiest idea of who was buried there,
but bet her real grandpa was proud of her!
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There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next
morning found out that she was six months pregnant.
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During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory, I noticed
several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep
the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked,
"14,000 lbs."
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on
the side of each weight.
Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."
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There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
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What do you call a Australian with 500 girlfriends?
A shepherd.
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Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod
with a jacked up rear.
"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked.
"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated.
"If you've got the back up like that, then you're always going downhill!"
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PRAYER OF A NERD:
God grant me the courage to pester women who will never like me, The serenity to
reject women who are desperate enough to be interested in me, And the density to
ignore the inference.
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At a formal inquiry in London, Prime Minister Tony Blair testified that if a
report accusing his government of "sexing up"
intelligence on Iraq had been true, he would have resigned.
Nevertheless, former President Bill Clinton is urging Blair to be more defiant
and look straight into the cameras and say: "I did not have sex with that
intelligence document..."
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Mr. Ashrita Furman, 48, claims the world record for breaking world records (81,
20 of which are still recognized by the Guinness Book), demonstrating
extraordinary but fanciful skills, such as the fastest mile run while balancing
a bottle of milk on his chin, unicycling backward for 53 miles, and pogo-stick
jumping (3,647).
According to a June New York Times profile, Furman is a celibate bachelor with
few possessions and lives quietly in an Indian- American community in Jamaica,
N.Y., whose residents are spiritually guided by guru Sri Chinmoy. He said he
would go the distance in the Nov. 2 New York City Marathon not by running but by
skipping. [New York Times]
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!!!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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