REMINDERS:

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 15 days
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JOKES:
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A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.
Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking."
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A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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A while back an airplane company ran an ad stating that they would make you a pilot for $2,900. They want to train more people to fly planes in hopes that they could sell more planes. The ad had a beautiful picture of an airplane, and in big black print it proclaimed: "We will make you a pilot for $2,900."

The ad elicited a lot of interest, but the most unique response came from seven women in Kansas. They wrote in to the company and said, "We understand you can make us a pilot for $2,900. We would like you to make us one right away. We want him to be a man, 6 feet tall, 190 pounds, with blue eyes and brown wavy hair. We understand that you guarantee that you can make us a pilot.
Therefore we would like the pilot on approval for about 60 days.
If he works out we'll order more."
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The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there."

The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?"

"Because he's a terrible lover."

The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"

"Fourteen years," she replied.

"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"

She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."
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It seems that Cheri, while laid up with a broken leg, took up a new hobby and now likes to crochet. She often sings to herself while so engaged. Well, when she attended the last PTA meeting, she was getting some strange stares, several winks, some smiles and a few giggles.

After further investigation and a personal conference with her young daughter's teacher, she learned the daughter was going around school telling everyone that her mom was a happy hooker!"
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INSCRIPTION ON AN OLD TOMBSTONE:


Two things I love most, good horses and beautiful women, And when I die I hope they tan this old hide of mine and make it into a ladies riding saddle, So I can rest in peace between the two things I love
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A NEW TWIST TO SOME OLD WORDS:


Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my wife rectum both.

Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake."
He say, "Bullsh*t, that watch Israel".....

Undermine - There's a fine lookin' woman who live in the apartment undermine.

Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, Iraq, you break.

Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, "You plan on stain for dinner?"

Fortify - I axed this hooker on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
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By the time we are wise enough to watch our step, we are too old to go anywhere.
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.
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Betcha Didn't Know!


A bride stands to the groom's left at a wedding so that his sword hand would be free. Apparently Anglo-Saxon brides were often kidnapped before a wedding and brawls were common. That's also why the best man stands with the groom; the tribe's best warrior was there to help the groom defend the bride.

Pumpernickel bread is thought to be named for the German words meaning "devil fart." In German, "pumpern-" means "to break wind,"
and "nickel" means "devil, demon or goblin." The reputed indigestibility of the heavy bread made of unbolted rye flour causes gas as powerful as that which the Devil experiences.

Scientists have determined that a passionate kiss burns 6.4 calories per minute.

According to a recent report featured on the Discovery Channel, "There are 500 kinds of kisses identified throughout history," says Sam Linton, the program's producer. "For instance, there's the Swissbat kiss, where one person rolls their tongue counter-clockwise, while the other person moves their tongue clockwise."

The longest word used by Shakespeare in any of his works is "honorificabilitudinitatibus," found in "Love's Labours Lost."

The original title of the musical "Hello Dolly!" was "Dolly: A Damned Exasperating Woman."

When Pedro I became King of Portugal in the 14th century, he had his dead mistress dug up so she could be crowned queen alongside him. Many of the nobles at the coronation even kissed her hand (ugh!). After the ceremonies they put her back in the box and returned her to her tomb.

African elephants only have four teeth to chew their food with.
However, each tooth is 12 inches long, and their tusks are elongated teeth that grow throughout their lives, like fingernails.

John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Jack Ruby all have the same place of death: Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas. Ruby, convicted murdered of Oswald, died on January 3, 1967 from a blood clot that lodged in his lungs. He was suffering from lung cancer.
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There were thirteen kids in my family. We were so poor we had to eat cereal with a fork so we could pass the milk on to the next kid.
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Jill: My ex asked me once if I wanted to role-play during sex. He wanted to play "French Maid and Master of the House."

Mary: What did you tell him?

Jill: I said, "That's fine with me. I'll pick you up a maid's uniform after work today."
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"A survey conducted by Durex Condoms found that Americans have sex an average of ninety-seven times per year. That means I have ninety-seven things on my to-do list. The sad part is it's almost December."

-- Conan O'Brien
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President Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gray Davis visited fire- damaged areas of California yesterday.
President Bush empathized with the residents and he said "I can't imagine what it is like to lose everything"' and Gray Davis said "Hey I can."
(Jay Leno)
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Supermodels' Wisdom

ON COURAGE:
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave.
See, every woman hates herself from behind."
- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE:
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY:
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE:
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
- Christie Brinkley

ON ARRIVING:
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
- Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L.A. and Danger Island)

ON CAREER CHOICES:
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES:
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS:
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH:
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH:
"Richard (Gere) doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL:
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
- Tyra Banks"
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Remember when the Scouts kicked out that guy who said he was a homosexual? Well, now they’ve kicked out an Eagle Scout who said he doesn’t believe in God. The Scouts tried to get him to say that he believed in anything, even mother nature. But the Scout refused to lie. So they gave him the boot.

Don’t worry, though. He hooked up with the homo and they’re starting their own organization. It’s called the Chub Scouts, and their motto is: "We Don’t Pray, But We’re Still On Our Knees."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!!!
Chuck .....and the Computer

 

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