TODAY'S JOKES 11-11-03
********************
REMINDERS:

Veterans Day Tue, Nov 11 - 0 days

Thanksgiving Day Thu, Nov 27 - 16 days
**********************

JOKES:
..........
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him thy friggin' paper!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
--Robert Frost
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Go Ahead... Take It!
Mrs. Hollis Sharpe was walking her poodle, one night on a Los Angeles street when she was attacked by a mugger, shoved to the ground, and forced to hand over her purse.
No doubt congratulating himself on his easy mugging, the mugger ran off.
Unfortunately for the mugger, inside Mrs.
Hollis Sharpe's purse was just one item: a plastic bag she had just finished using to scoop up after her poodle.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
They sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin. The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand but the sound was missing. The film began but silence continued.

Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
LITTLE JOEY: Pop, did you know Mommy
thinks you're perfect?
HERB: She does? Wow! How do you know?
LITTLE JOEY: I heard her say it
to Mrs Treemont.
HERB: When was that?
LITTLE JOEY: Just before she used the word idiot.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
WILLY: I shouldn't have told my fiancee about my rich uncle.
LILY: Why not?
WILLY: Because now she's my aunt.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
There was this Utah Psychiatrist who decided that the majority of his patients had been sufficiently cured to allow them out of the ward, and to place them on an out-patient basis so that they could return to a somewhat normal life.

To get this off to a good start, he decided that having a party for the group would be the best way to give them some encouragement and self-confidence before releasing them, so he proceeded to set up a party for them at one of the local taverns.

The tavern owner was somewhat reluctant about holding a party for a bunch of loonies, but after some persuasion from the psychiatrist, decided to relent.

"Look," said the psychiatrist, "These are just basically a nice bunch of people. They are calm, polite, and will do well to have a good time."

"OK," said the tavern owner.

"Oh," said the psychiatrist, "There is one more thing. Don't be surprised if they decide to pay you in bottle caps. Just act like it's OK, and I will come by in the morning to pick up the tab."

The party went without a hitch, and the next morning, the psychiatrist appeared as he had promised.

"How did it go," he asked.

"Just great," replied the tavern owner.
"Actually they were a really great bunch of people. Very nice, very polite and well behaved. Funny thing, though, it was just like you said. They all paid me in bottle caps. You are going to pay me, aren't you."

"How much is it?" ask the psychiatrist.

"$257.49," replied the tavern owner.

"OK," said the psychiatrist. "Have you got change for a manhole cover?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen.

When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Women just make me angry when they say, "Women have the worst pain of all; they experience childbirth."

Bull! No woman has ever zipped her penis up in a zipper. Once you pull that zipper UP, you ain't gonna pull it back down on your own.

You need 2 friends and a Quaalude!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~
Groucho Marx
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "

"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.

"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica ?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A farmer was walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another farmer who says "you sheerin' them?" and the first farmer replies "naw, they're all mine"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Signs your cat is overweight

-Cat door is retro-fitted with garage door opener.
-Confused guests constantly mistaking her for a beanbag chair.
-Fewer calls to the fire department. but a sudden upsurge of broken branches.
-Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
-No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheeze Whiz.
-It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
-Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
-Has more chins than lives.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
TWENTY WAYS TO SAVE MONEY:
By Myra Cristobal Here are some of the zaniest cost-cutting tips submitted to our monthly Frugal U. contest. We don't recommend you take these money- saving ideas seriously, as some could actually be dangerous to your health. But most were just too much fun to ignore.

1. Flowers for a wedding can be so expensive. A good way to reduce the cost is to drive through a couple of cemeteries the night before the wedding, and pick up a couple of the bouquets that are lying on the ground.

2. To do a quick wax job on my car, I use furniture wax. It buffs really well.

3. Train your cats to use the toilet! I was spending a fortune on kitty litter until I read about teaching your cat to use the toilet. It took a little training, but eventually they got it.
They're neat about it and I save lots of money!

4. Put that beer down! Save what you'd normally spend on beer. By the time you retire you'll be able to afford all the beer you want. A six-pack a day is what -- $5 for the good stuff? Five dollars a day is over $1800 a year! You know who you are. Invest this amount now, and you can buy all the beer you want when you're retired. I might even do the same.

5. Don't throw away the plastic backing in the package of sliced bacon. Wash it well, and place it between servings of raw meat before freezing. This saves on plastic wrap and is reusable.

6. Make more than what you spend.

7. When eating out, save on the expense of a soda by ordering a glass of water with lemon. Spice it up with a packet or two of sweetener, and it will taste like lemonade.
No charge, no tax and no tip on that.

8. Use the squeegee at the gas station to wash your car.

9. Marry and stay married to a frugal spouse.

10. Never buy sandwich bags or storage bags again. Use the liners from cereal boxes and newspaper wrappers.

11. Pick up every penny or coin you see on the street. You will get richer!

12. Marry a man who can fix things. It saves thousands each year!

13. Whenever my family goes to a fast-food place, we grab handfuls of the free ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper, etc.
Then at home my kids transfer the contents of the ketchup packets into the partially full bottle. We have only had to buy one large ketchup bottle in the last two years! Haven't bought salt and pepper in ages. It's a real giveaway!

14. Eat Cheerios!

15. Instead of buying toilet paper, I use yesterday's newspaper.

16. Make your local print shop your office.
Use their supplies.
The IRS takes a pretty dim view about people claiming home office space. Why get in trouble with a possible audit? Some print shops even have phones. Make your calls from there. Take your laptop there and use their electricity for free.

17. For mere pennies a day, you can feed yourself with dog food.
And you will probably be healthier, as this diet is probably better than 95 percent of the typical North American diet. I would suggest dry dog food, though, as the canned varieties are not nearly as tasty.

18. Tell nearly everyone that you are going out of town this Christmas and will not return until after New Year's Day.
Then buy most of your gifts during the after-Christmas sales.

19. Unplug clocks in your house while sleeping.

20. Next time you need an umbrella, go to your local public library and ask for the lost and found department. Tell them that you left your black umbrella at the library last month. They will show you a selection of several black umbrellas.
Select the most expensive and it's yours.
The bigger the library, the better the selection of umbrellas.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
**********************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer

 

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...

http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm

The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom

Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com

95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of $100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795

"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7 Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:

http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053

Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html